Tim Bianchi answers question: “My son gets so angry he kicks the wall, is this normal?”

My son gets so angry when he doesn’t get his way that he kicks his walls and throws things across the room.  He is 7 and when I sent him to his room for the behavior, he laid on his bed and kicked his wall until there was hole in the drywall!  Is this a sign of something deeper? How should I handle it the next time it happens?

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My first thought is that yes, there are deeper issues for this.

Children all have different ways of letting out their feelings and emotions but it should not get so violent and destructive.  I have worked with numerous children like this and they are usually dealing with wounds they have encountered and do not know how to verbalize the feeling and emotion.  Behavior like this can be tied to things like abuse, both physical and sexual.  Or, most commonly,  are related to abandonment and rejection.

Many parents do not think about these types of things and may also feel like that could not have or did not happen to my child. What you have to look at is that children below the age of 9 process information differently than adults.  Their ability to reason things out is not there and they take incidents as if they were their fault.  DON’T LIKE THIS LAST SENTENCE BUT DON’T KNOW HOW TO REWORD.

For example if a child is adopted and knows about it from an early age, they can feel like there was something wrong with them for their biological parents to have not wanted them. In the absence of knowing any different, children use this perception to view and process other things in their life and conclude they are damaged and no good.  Now I am not saying that all adopted children are this way because if the environment around them teaches them to work through their feeling s and gives them positive reinforcement then they will adapt.

We also need to remember that anger is a secondary emotion, but a sign or symptom of a deeper issue.  Kids do not have the tools and know how to verbalize what they are really feeling. Many adults do the same if they have never learned how to process their feelings and talk them out. Why do you think there are so many counselors and therapists today!

With my own young children I find I have to stop and take the time to let them work their way to the point. It is often referred to as peeling an onion – allow the layers to come off one by one and then expose the core. If you try and short cut this by guessing you will miss the real reason for the emotion and may even send a message that the child’s feelings are not valid and they should not have those feelings.  Taking the time to go through this process will develop a valuable skill that will teach your child to work through their emotions.

I tell adults as I work with them in coaching that “emotions you feel are real but may not be based on reality”. This is where that begins – in our childhood. If we do not learn how to identify, acknowledge and then work through our emotions it can serve as a barrier for our future until we take the time to develop this skill.

Sit down with your son and allow him to talk to you. Ask him why is he so upset? Allow him to tell you and realize it may not make sense but think of yourself as a guide to lead him to the deeper issue. If he tells you he is upset because he did not get the piece of candy and it lead to a hole in the wall, then model for him how to express himself.

“Son I realize that is upsetting to you and may not make sense but I made that decision for this reason ……..  It is ok to be upset but it is disappointing to me that you kicked the wall instead of telling me how you feel.  I care about you and how you feel and want you to tell me about your feelings.  It was disrespectful for you to hurt the wall and I know you can talk to me instead of doing that.  You are very smart, what could you have done differently?”

Many may look at this and say we were never talked to like this and we turned out ok.  Did you? What would it have been like if you had been taught how to talk through your feelings at a young age? Would your relationships be stronger? How would your career benefit from this?

Yes this takes time and patience but the reward is amazing. Will your kids be angels and never act out? No, that is silly that is also a part of the learning process and a curse all of us received from our parents for what we put them through!

Do you exercise this in every situation? No.  I feel you pick and choose the most valuable lessons and times that you are in the right frame of mind. I have experienced the benefit from this as I now am experiencing my kids using their own ideas and options when they come up against adversity or not getting their way.

Tim Bianchi has over 20 years experience in human resources, training, operations and helping organizations develop solutions. Those experiences are what prompted Tim to start Trilogy Solutions.

He has a passion for seeing people reach their highest potential. Tim has worked to create solutions for a variety of needs and has an extensive background in developing, delivering, and implementing corporate training initiatives.

Trilogy Solutions is a comprehensive Consulting and Human Resource Team offering a complete menu of services ranging from recruiting and staffing, training and coaching for companies and or individuals, administrative help in all areas of HR.

http://www.trilogysi.com