Tag Archives: Parenting

7+1 Tips for Working Moms

7+1 Tips for Working Moms

by Erika Kalmar, Career Wellness Coach

From SelfGrowth.com

Tip #1 – Accept the imperfect!

Many Moms (especially after the first child) want to do everything perfect. They want to do a perfect job at work, with the child, at home and with their husband. They just want to be perfect everywhere and with everyone. But what happens is that once they take some extra time to do some household works, they take away time from the kid, right? So they start feeling guilty. They immediately start feeling… imperfect.

Solution: accept the imperfect. You can never be 100% perfect. Every day is a new day, there are unexpected things occurring, you can never make your 100% perfect. Just accept this and throw away the guilt you are feeling. Accept yourself the way you are and for what you are. Do you feel more enlightened now?

Tip #2 – Release your beliefs that don’t serve you!

Often, you are the one who is standing in your way. Hmmm??? Yes, you heard it right. We women tend to nurture so many beliefs according to which we live our lives that actually prove to be more obstacles than helping hands. “I have to take care of this”. “I can’t ask my husband to do this”. “Only I can arrange this.” Are you sure? Do you HAVE to take care of that? CANNOT you ask your husband? Only YOU can arrange that, no one else? If you challenge these beliefs the way just I did, you can sometimes easily see that you were nurturing completely false (maybe even ridiculous) beliefs. So once these beliefs are challenged and released, a solution seems to be appearing that you might have never thought of: maybe you don’t need to do that at all, maybe your husband is also capable of arranging it, or someone else…

Tip #3 – Start noticing the positives!

Our brain is programmed in such a way that we tend to notice things that are negative: a task is not done, the floor is dirty, the lunch is spoilt and then on top of that even the kid is tiring today, my husband is moaning over his work and then you switch on the TV and you only see disasters in the news. Sounds familiar? Sometimes days might pass by thinking there is nothing worthy happening. Or not? Then how about these ones: do you have a warm bed? How does your morning coffee / tea taste? What feeling does it give you to see your kids waking up and cuddling you? How was your shower or bath today? Do you feel grateful that you have something to eat? Isn’t it tasty that juicy apple you are eating? And did you notice, even the sun is shining today? Everything is so vivid green outside? And the twitter of the birds?

You see, the positives are there, you just need to notice them. If you feel you are getting into the whirl of negatives, sit down and make a list of all nice things you experienced today. If nothing comes to your mind, just sit there and look around you, the words will come. You might want to do this exercise every evening before going to bed. It not only puts you into a positive mood but it will also help to get you a good sleep.

Tip #4 – The magic pill is you!

We women often read articles or books in the hope of finding the magic pill. I want to have a more relaxed, more balanced life, so I just need to find the “balanced life for working Moms” pill, take it and everything will be sorted out. Have you found this pill yet? Bad news: you will NOT. Why? Because you are searching for it at the wrong place! Look inside, not outside. There is no general recipe, you have to find what works for you and what gives YOU joy, happiness and fulfilment. So ponder over a few questions, re-connect to yourself: Who are you? What comes naturally for you (either by seeing from your own experience or by feedback from others)? What energizes you? What are your dreams? What is what you would like to achieve?

Once you answered these questions, you found your magic pill.

Tip #5 – It’s your truth, it’s your response!

Do you know that there is no truth on Earth? There are only perceptions. Perception is the angle through which you are viewing something. We all view situations, people and things via our own glasses of perceptions. That is the reason why two people might react so differently in the same situation. Even two kids, just notice if they fall: one will stand up and continue to reach his target, whereas the other will remain seated and will cry and dwell on his hurt leg until gets enough comfort from Mom. If there would be one truth, they would both react the same way. Now, if you can choose the perception, it means you can also choose your response to a situation. Let’s say you are in the car, on your way to the school to pick up your kid but you got into a terrible traffic jam. Nothing is moving forward. You feel warmer and warmer, you can hardly breathe, you are even rambling, blaming the cause of the traffic jam, you are just thinking of the lost time and the consequences of getting late. Sounds familiar? One question: in what way will getting upset help you getting out of the traffic jam? Probably in no way. Because your response to the situation of getting upset, will not change the situation. It will change only you, because you will be upset. So is it worth at the end of the day? How about choosing another attitude? Being patient? Switching on the radio and listening to good music? Calling up a friend you haven’t talked to for long, while waiting? Using the time to plan things you need to do that week? Or just seeing your kids’ lovely smile in front of you?

Bottomline is, that there is no situation that forces you to be like this or like that. You choose that. So why not choose an empowering attitude? The decision is yours.

Tip #6 – Priority is … YOU!

I want you to do an exercise here. What would happen in your family if you would be depressed, had no energy and no joy in anything? How would that impact each member of your family? And how would that impact your larger family? And your friends? And your working environment? Probably you answered that it would have a negative impact, it would be more difficult for them to cope, to re-energize you, to sort out problems and situations etc. You see how mood is contagious? And just imagine now the other extreme: that you are in top shape, brightening like a star, funny, dynamic. what would be the impact of this to your family? You see, everything is you. Whether you are feeling well or less well in your skin, it will have an impact on your family. Therefore it is your responsibility to give yourself a special treatment and care for you. Find time for things that contribute to your wellness – could be a warm bath or getting a massage or going for a shopping tour. Don’t feel guilty about it, this is not egoism! And remember, if you feel great, your family will as well.

Tip #7 – Focus!

Working Moms often feel in a trap: they must do 100% while at work, and 100% while at home. We talked about it earlier that it is impossible to perform perfectly well, but other than that, we want to maximize our efficiency. How? What happens if you are worried too much about your children or household tasks while sitting at work? Or if you spend some of your work time daydreaming? And vice versa – what happens if you keep thinking of your unfinished tasks instead of providing quality time to your kids? You see, this will not lead to an optimal balance. So try to focus on your activity of here and now (or there and then) to make sure you can accomplish the work you have on time. So work at work and be a Mom at home!

+1 Tip – Find a family friendly work!

Often we have real difficulties in getting our work and family responsibilities under the same hat. So if the above tips do not help, have a serious thought whether you are at the right work or right company. Because let’s be honest, there are companies and jobs where it is not seen with enthusiasm if you leave at 5 to pick up the kid or if you turn down a task because you cannot work extra hours. So that is the time to think it over: Do you like your job? And here don’t think with nostalgia on the times you accepted this offer, your priorities might have changed since then. Do you still like your job? If yes, is this the best company you could work for, under current circumstances? If no, start the job search now. Look at information in the press or from friends of where you can find a family friendly company. What if there is none in your area? Is there something you can do in that case? Like making yourself independent and doing what you do naturally well? This might be quite a change to your current career but why not if it works for you beautifully? And don’t look down at professions just because they are freelance, if you are now in a managerial position. You will see, being a freelancer or independent, has also its challenges. There as well you have to be good technically plus to be a good manager, administrator, accountant, salesperson and so on.

So are you working in the best possible environment?

Author’s Bio

Erika Kalmar is a career coach, developer of the Career Wellness CoachingTM concept, founder of the Terpsichori Coaching company and member of the International Coach Federation.

Having spent the last 10 years in recruitment, she realised the importance of career wellness as opposed to career success and applies this in her approach with clients. She is working with those 70% of people who want to bring in more balance and fulfilment in their career lives, by offering f*ree career tools, articles, career support community and coaching.

Stroller Strides: Driven by Motherhood

Stroller Strides: Driven by Motherhood

Lisa Druxman’s fitness franchise has grown even faster than her children.

By Aliza Sherman

From Entrepreneur Magazine Online

What’s the difference between a mompreneur and an entrepreneur? According to Lisa Druxman of Stroller Strides, the difference is defined by the qualities of businesses women start.

“Either the type of business they create has something to do with kids or the way they run their business is supportive of family,” explains Druxman, who did both when she started Stroller Strides in the fall of 2001.

After a decade working in the fitness industry, Druxman became a mom and wanted motherhood to come “first and foremost” in her life instead of returning to 10-hour workdays. Rather than dropping off her infant son at a gym day care, she came up with an exercise routine she could do with him, much to her son’s delight. But something else led her to turn a personal exercise routine into a more formal class for other moms.

“I knew nothing about motherhood,” says Druxman. “I was having sleep issues, breastfeeding issues, identity crisis issues of leaving my career. I realized I needed to connect with other new moms.”

Druxman found working from home to be a blessing but not without its challenges.

“The thing about working with baby in tow is that you can never depend on your schedule,” she explains. “Any day can change because a nap is missed, the baby is crying, etc. I had to remain flexible, knowing that babies’ [schedules] are [sometimes] not dependable.”

To offset the unpredictability, Druxman hired a nanny part time for specific hours so others could depend on her for meetings or phone calls.

Within a year, her San Diego-based fitness class for moms with stroller-bound infants took off. The following year, Druxman knew she was onto something when requests poured in from moms across the country asking to take classes in their area. After consulting an attorney, she created a beta license to test her business idea nationwide. She offered only 10 licenses that year despite additional requests.

Working with consultants and franchise attorneys, Druxman turned Stroller Strides into a national franchise in 2004 while still basing the company headquarters out of her home.

“I bought my house because I knew I wanted it to be my home office,” says Druxman, who had five workstations custom-built into her home and 12 employees with keys. She established rules for the home-based office so her family could retain their privacy; however, at any given moment, there might be an employee sitting in her children’s room taking a call. Druxman refers to the home-based company days as “crazy” but also recalls them fondly.

Today, Druxman works from an office. Her children are in school full time with after-school activities so she is able to work more “traditional” work hours.

Says Druxman, “I still make up extra time in the wee hours of the morning. Of course I’m always connected via my iPhone.”

While the power of moms continues to drive Druxman’s business forward, she also acknowledges that motherhood is a challenge to her businessgrowth because it’s a constant challenge to balance work and home life. As both children and companies grow up, says Druxman, they each present daily sets of challenges that can be tough.

“There are never enough hours in the day, so you need to be super focused on what will give you the most bang for your buck in terms of time,” Druxman advises. “When you are working on your business, give it 100 percent [of your] attention. When you are with your kids, give them 100 percent. Don’t try to be everything to everyone.”

Druxman recommends saying no more and delegating when possible. “And keep a sense of humor when it all falls through.”

Planning for the care of a special-needs child

Planning for the care of a special-needs child

By Paul Keegan and Karen Cheney

From Money Magazine Online

(Money Magazine) — Jason and Amanda Purnell met while getting their Ph.D.s in psychology at Ohio State, married in 2007, and were ecstatic when Amanda became pregnant shortly before they moved to St. Louis last July to be near family. Then they learned that their 22-week-old fetus had Down syndrome. They were shocked — at 29, Amanda was well below the at-risk age to conceive a baby with this condition. “The first 24 hours, I was inconsolable,” she says.

But Amanda, a psychologist at a VA medical center, and Jason, an assistant professor at Washington University, didn’t dwell for long on the difficulties they might face raising their coming child but instead kicked into high gear to do right by her. By the time Maya Elizabeth was born last December, her parents had found a day-care center that provides physical and speech therapy, drawn up wills and powers of attorney, and taken out $1.6 million, 30-year term life insurance policies. They set up a trust as the beneficiary because if Maya has more than $1,000 in assets when she turns 18, she’ll lose eligibility for some government benefits.

Maya is now 6 months old, healthy, and a sound sleeper. But the Purnells have plenty of worries to keep them up at night. Many children with Down syndrome eventually require surgery for heart or gastrointestinal problems or have developmental delays. Jason and Amanda also worry about money.

Even though they have a combined income of $177,000, they’re facing a rash of expenses: There’s the usual (payments on their $261,000 mortgage, $37,000 in student loans, replacing their 10-year-old cars), plus Maya’s special needs (medical bills not covered by insurance, possibly private school when state subsidies for her therapies end at age 3). “We know we’ll be financially supporting Maya for the rest of our lives,” Jason notes.

The Purnells have made a great start by setting up wills and a trust for Maya, says St. Louis lawyer Martha Brown, part of a network of attorneys called the Special Needs Alliance. They should also write a memo, called a Letter of Intent, that details instructions for her care, from the food that she eats to the therapies that work best. “Think of it as a road map of Maya’s life that will ensure she’s well cared for,” she says. As for the Purnells’ finances, planner Michael Byrne of Cherry Hill, N.J., who has a daughter and two brothers with special needs, suggests the following:

The Fixes

1. Set up a second trust

The trust drawn up by the Purnells won’t become operational until after they both pass away. So family and friends who want to contribute to Maya’s care should put money into a separate special-needs trust to fund nonessentials (say, dental bills or trips to Disney World), says Brown. That way, Maya doesn’t risk losing federal disability benefits.

2. Ramp up savings

Jason and Amanda need an emergency fund of $42,000, vs. the measly $4,000 they have now. Once that’s taken care of, they should begin a “reserve fund” to pay for big-ticket nonemergency extras, including new cars and possible private-school tuition for Maya, says Byrne. The interest rate on their student loans is only 5%, so they can pay them off gradually.

3. Plan for three retirements

The Purnells must become hypersavers to cover their retirement as well as Maya’s long-term care. Amanda’s raises should go into her Federal Thrift Savings Plan, currently funded at 5% (just enough to get the match); Jason should do the same with his 403(b). An aggressive 80% stock/20% bond mix should maximize their returns over time.

Money Savvy Pig can teach us Adults a few Tricks

Susan Beacham, founder of Money Savvy Generation,  writes books, curriculum and tools for children.  It  helps Parents and Grandparents teach them how to understand money.  She mentions money management as a critical life skill.  Wow, what a concept!  Remember,  our children may not always do what we say but they see what we do!

Good Behavior is not Magic, It’s a Skill: The three Skills every Child Needs for Good Behavior

photo by flickr
photo by flickr

When you have a child who acts out and is disrespectful or disruptive, it’s easy to compare him to the so-called “good kids” who never seem to get into trouble or give their parents grief. Many people feel hopeless about the possibility of ever teaching their child to “magically” become the kind of well-behaved member of the family they envisioned before they had him.

The truth is that good behavior isn’t magic-you can’t just wave a wand and turn your child into who you want him to be. Rather, good behavior is a skill that can be learned, just like carpentry, teaching or nursing. I believe three of the most important skills for children to learn as a foundation for good behavior are: how to read social situations, how to manage emotions, and how to solve problems appropriately. If your child can learn to master these three tasks with your help, he will be well on his way to functioning successfully as an adult.

Skill #1: Reading Social Situations

The ability to read social situations is important because it helps your child avoid trouble and teaches him how to get along with others. If he can walk into a classroom. lunchroom, playground or a dance, read what’s going on there, and then decide how he’s going to interact in that environment in an appropriate way, he’s already halfway there. So if your child sees a bunch of kids who usually tease and bully others, the skill of reading social situations will help him stay away from that group, rather than gravitate toward it.

Parents can help their kids develop these skills by getting them to read the looks on people’s faces at the mall or a restaurant, for example. If your child can learn to see who looks angry, frustrated or bored, two things will happen: the first is that he will be able to identify the looks on people’s faces. Secondly, he’ll learn that he should try to identify how others are feeling. Both are integral in learning how to read social situations.

Skill #2: Managing Emotions:

It’s critical for your child to learn how to manage his emotions appropriately as he matures. Managing your emotions means that it’s not OK to punch a hole in the wall because you’re angry; it’s not OK to curse at your dad because he took your iPod away. Children need to learn that just because they feel bad or angry, it does not give them the right to hurt others.

  • Ask the Right Questions – If your child calls his little sister a nasty name, it’s your job to first sit down and ask, “What did you see going on that you thought you needed to do that?” Not, “How did you feel?” but “What was going on?” You’ll find that usually this type of behavior is generally self-centered. Perhaps your child’s little sister is getting more attention or she’s watching a show and he wants the TV, or she’s playing with the video games and he wants to play them. When your child does not know how to deal with that situation and he becomes nasty or abusive, it’s time for you to step in and put a stop to it. And I think you should very clearly state, “Just because you’re angry, it doesn’t give you the right to call your sister a nasty name.” That’s an important, direct way of teaching the skill of managing emotions.
  • What Giving Consequences Does (and Doesn’t) Accomplish – I believe that consequences are part of accountability. In other words, your child should know that if the inappropriate behavior happens again, he will be held accountable. Saying that, I don’t think people change simply because they’re punished or are given consequences. Although parents often focus on them, consequences alone are not enough. Rather, it’s the learning process associated with the consequences that changes a child’s behavior. So it’s the part of your child’s thinking process that says, “Next time I’m upset, if I call Sarah a name, I’m going to be punished. Instead, I can just go to my room and cool down.”  Here’s the truth: you can punish kids until the cows come home, but it’s not going to change their behavior. That’s because the problem is actually not the behavior-the problem lies in the way kids think. This faulty thinking then gets externalized into how they behave. If you punish them for the behavior and neglect to challenge the way they think about the problem-or discuss what their options are for dealing with that problem effectively in the future-then really, what are you doing? You’re punishing your child, but he hasn’t learned anything and he’s not going to do anything differently. In fact, he’s probably just going to do it again when you’re not looking.
  • “What Will You Do Differently Next Time?” – I think it’s very important that you talk to your child about what he can do differently the next time he feels angry or frustrated. This tool is something I developed as part of The Total Transformation Program, and it’s an important way to focus on changing your child’s behavior. When you use this technique, it encourages your child to come up with other things he or she might do instead of using ineffective behavior. By the way, when you have this talk with your child, it should be a pretty businesslike conversation-it’s not all smiley and touchy feely; it shouldn’t be abusive or negative, either. Stick to the facts and ask, “What can you do differently next time?”

Skill #3: Teach Problem Solving Skills

There’s No Such Thing as “Good Kids” and “Bad Kids”

I believe that the kids who are labeled “good” are children who know how to solve their problems and manage their behavior and social life, and the kids who are labeled “bad” are kids who don’t know how to solve those problems. A child is often labeled “the bad kid” when he’s developed ineffective actions to solve the problems that other kids solve appropriately. So this child may turn to responses that are disrespectful, destructive, abusive, and physically violent. In my opinion, there’s no such thing as good kids or bad kids, there are simply kids who have learned effective ways of solving life’s problems, and kids who have not.

As they develop, children have to continually adjust their problem-solving skills and learn new ones. For instance, for a three year old, being told “no” is the biggest problem in her life. She stomps her feet, she throws a tantrum. Eventually, she has to learn to deal with that problem and manage the feelings associated with it. And so those tasks continue for five-year-olds who have to deal with the first day of school and for nine-year-olds who have to change in gym. They continue for 12- and 13-year-olds when they’re at middle school, which is a much more chaotic environment than they have ever faced before.

I’ve devoted much of my career to dealing with kids who behaved inappropriately, all the way from kids who were withdrawn and depressed to kids who were aggressive and acted out physically. I believe a very key element in helping children change their behavior is for parents to learn techniques where they help their child identify the problem they’re facing. Together, you look at how to solve problems and come up with other solutions. So talk to your child about the problem at hand and how to solve it-not about the emotion your child is feeling.

In the end, there is no magic solution to good behavior. The secret is really in teaching kids how to solve problems; good behavior is simply one of the fruits on that problem-solving tree. Your goal as a parent is to give your child the tools to learn good behavior. It’s never too late to get these tools, but know this: if your child can’t read a situation in the ninth grade and doesn’t know how to respond, reacts by getting aggressive, and then gets into trouble, how do you think they are going to handle it when they’re an adult and their boss tells them something they don’t want to hear? That’s why it’s important for you as parent not to “wish away” the bad behavior and to start teaching your child the skills he needs to change his behavior for good.

For three decades, behavioral therapist James Lehman, MSW, has worked with troubled kids and children with behavior problems. He has developed a practical, real-life approach to managing children and adolescents that teaches them how to solve social problems without hiding behind a facade of defiant, disrespectful, or obnoxious behavior. He has taught his approach to parents, teachers, state agencies and treatment centers in private practice and now through The Total Transformation Program — a comprehensive step-by-step, multi-media program that makes learning James’ techniques remarkably easy and helps you change your child’s behavior. Click now for your Risk Free Trial.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=James_Lehman

Anger as a Weapon: Does Your Child Point the Gun at You?

Photo by Flickr
Photo by Flickr

From young children to teens, we explain why your child is in trouble if he or she uses anger and acting out behavior to control others.

When children use anger to get what they want, it can feel for all the world like they’re pointing a loaded weapon at you. As a parent, you dread the ugly and sometimes violent emotional outbursts that come with this type of behavior. Before I discuss children who use anger as a weapon-or the way that I like to put it, as a problem solving technique-I want to caution people that once a child is using extreme anger, they’re in a lot of trouble. And by the way, I’m not talking about a two-year-old throwing a tantrum, I’m talking about a five-year-old throwing toys around the room or an eight-year-old hitting his sister or a twelve-year-old kicking holes in the wall. Once a child is at that level, there are some serious issues at stake, and you need to get them some help fast. There’s no way I can address every aspect of this problem in one article, but what I can do is explain a little bit more about what’s going through your child’s head, and the steps you need to take as a parent to change this pattern of behavior.

Let me explain to you why I think that your child is in trouble if they’re using anger to seek control. I believe that kids who act out this way haven’t developed the appropriate problem solving skills to deal with the stressors, emotions and situations they experience at their age level. Don’t forget, anger is a feeling, but anger is also a problem that has to be solved. When you’re angry and you’ve got all that chaotic energy inside of you, you have to learn what to do about it besides take it out on others. When you’re afraid, you have to learn what to do with that fear-that’s a problem you have to solve. Too many times feelings are looked at solely as feelings and not as problems for which your child needs to find a solution.

It’s also important to understand this: kids get a sense of power from acting out and they use that power to solve the problem instead of learning how to cope with life. These children don’t learn the mechanics of problem solving or how to deal with their feelings appropriately. And that’s an important and critical misstep, because it leaves them on one side of the cliff with no bridge to the next phase of life, the phase where they learn to negotiate, to get along with others, and to solve the problems that arise without losing control.

How Kids Use Anger to Control Their Environment

From the age of four, almost all of us learned how to solve our anger problems, and now we do it so easily and quickly that we don’t even realize that we’re solving them. We feel angry at our boss but we keep our mouth shut. Perhaps we jog after work, or we go to the gym. Or we watch a movie or read a book. We do things that enrich our lives to compensate for the stressors that we feel: We find a way to solve those problems.

But with kids who use anger to manipulate a situation, it’s a whole different story. They’ve learned to solve the problem of feeling uncomfortable by striking out at others. When they have a hard time, instead of dealing with their emotions, they strike out. And in the short term, that solves their problem-usually people back off. If their parents or teachers or caregivers don’t back off the first time, they back off the second or third or fifth or tenth time. Even if they just kicked a hole in your wall, they don’t even see it as their wall, they don’t care. To put it plainly, the child or the teenager has nothing to lose.

Once children learn how to use acting out, aggression, destructive behavior and verbal abuse-that whole family of behaviors-as a coping mechanism, as a skill to solve life’s problems, they are treading on dangerous territory. Because when they find that it works, they keep doing it. And the older they get, the more that technique becomes ingrained in them. And so by the time they’re older children or entering early adolescence, this is their main way of coping with anything that frustrates or upsets them.

Are Your Younger Child’s Meltdowns Giving him Control?

It’s simple: the more your young child succeeds at using anger and destructive behavior as a way to solve his problems-and the more you let him get away with doing that-the more entrenched that behavior is going to become.

Here’s what happens: Your child is faced with a situation that’s frustrating. He responds by losing control. As a parent, you see your child melting down. But if you look at the bigger picture, is he really losing control? Because here’s the thing: the next time you tell him he has to go clean his room, you’re going to remember the last explosion and you’re going to ask in a different way, or soften the request. If he explodes again, eventually you’ll clean his room yourself. So even though it looks like he’s losing control by melting down, in reality he’s getting more and more control over everybody in the house.

The same thing happens at school. Even though these kids look like they’re losing control when they act out, in fact, they’re getting more control over the class because they wind up not having to do the work. Somewhere along the line the child learned that acting this way gave him an edge, and gave him some power-it gave him some control over the adults in his life. The expectations placed upon him were diminished, and the tolerance for inappropriate behavior was raised. In his very bright human mind, he realized that it worked. And so he tried it again, it worked again, and it worked again until it became a pattern.

When these kids lose control, in their mind, they’re in control. They’re getting back at you. They’re showing you that they’re not going to do what you ask of them. If not now, then maybe the next time you’re going to ignore their behavior and do it yourself. And that’s their goal. It’s a very difficult pattern to break as a parent and you may very well need guidance from a behavioral program or a behavioral specialist, even when your child is still young.

For Parents of Angry, Acting-out Teens

I think if teens are acting out and using anger to control you, they certainly have years of experience that says that this method works for them. They may behave themselves around their friends, or around the police. They have to behave themselves in public for the most part, and they tend to do so. But when they get home or are at school where this behavior works, they readily employ it.

So, what happens? You see these kids get moved through school. There are countless conferences with teachers and parents and school psychologists. But really, in the end, if the child is resolute, nothing changes. He goes to Special Ed classes where they tiptoe around him and he does easy work. They pat him on the head when he spells ten words right and tell him what a great guy he is. In short, they do everything they can to manage his behavior. And the school’s goal, by the way, is not to educate him at that point-it’s to manage his behavior. And that’s exactly what he wants. He wants to control the environment, control you through his behavior. He wants it to be your job to not upset him. The message to you is, “If you upset me, bad things are going to happen.”

Never lose sight of the fact that as a parent, your most important job is to teach your child how to learn to solve problems. Teens are miserable half the time because they’re dealing with some tremendous problems and at the same time, trying to learn how to manage life. They’re not children anymore and they’re not adults, but they are starting to have some adult expectations of responsibility-without the benefit of all the tools adults have. In fact, the only way they can get those tools is by learning how to manage situations. There’s a saying I like: “Action precedes understanding.” In other words, teenagers have to go through all of this stuff, and in the end, they’ll understand how it helped them.

But kids who avoid solving problems through intimidation, abuse, anger and acting out behavior don’t develop the skills to deal with life. Sadly, they wind up as young adults whose primary problem solving skill is to intimidate others and break things if they don’t get their way. The truth is, there’s no future in our world for adults like that. And they rarely grow up without encounters with the police, substance abuse, and criminal activity.

For kids who learn how to solve problems through defiance, all they do is defy. And if you ask them why they did it, they’ll tell you it was your fault or somebody else’s fault. “I was wrong but you made me. You wouldn’t let me have the money. You wouldn’t let me stay up and watch TV. You wanted me to clean my room and not let me finish my game.” You, you, you. And these kids wind up feeling like a victim all the time, and you know, if you feel like a victim then the rules don’t apply to you. And so they strike out defiantly, and that becomes their main technique to solving problems. Who are these kids I’m speaking about? They’re the brooding teenagers who are angry all the time at home. They become teens who get involved with drugs and alcohol. They become teens who get involved with petty crime and the police. And you know, you’ll see them do antisocial things in the community. They’ll be destructive, knock down people’s mailboxes, or break into cars. And they get involved with all that because they actually see themselves as victims and therefore, somehow it’s different for them. But as a parent, you’ve got to really rigorously and strongly challenge that feeling and that way of thinking. For people who aren’t able to give up that victim identity, it becomes very hard to change.

Getting Control Back

I think the way that you get control back is to grit your teeth and be ready for a big fight. Start saying no, and mean it. Be prepared to lock up the video game in the trunk of your car. Be prepared to let your child scream in the store for 15 minutes. Be prepared to call the police. Be prepared to go through these things and be ready to do what it takes for your child to understand that this strategy, this problem solving skill of acting out, doesn’t work anymore. If you aren’t able to deal with this problem, you’re endangering yourself and you’re endangering your child. The behavior is going to escalate. Parents need to understand that and seek outside resources, have a backup plan, and be prepared to stand your ground.

I suggest you read as much as you can on the subject of managing kids with behavior problems. Find a behavior-oriented therapist. Work with the school and do whatever you can. Also, there are books available at the book store and programs available online that can help you get the skills you need. Because, if this problem doesn’t change in your child, in adulthood it becomes really terrible and sad. The terrible part is, of course, adults can’t solve their problems by acting out and exploding. They wind up in jail, they wind up fired, they wind up hopeless. And it’s sad because when the child becomes an adult, he really feels cheated by life. He doesn’t understand why he hasn’t made it and other kids have. And he really feels like a loser-in fact, these kids feel like losers for a great amount of their lives, because they know right from wrong. Many times after they act inappropriately they feel sad and confused. Deep down, they know what good behavior is and bad behavior is-they just can’t operationalize it when they’re upset.

So if you’re in this position with your child, you need to learn new problem solving skills. In essence, you have to develop special parenting skills for kids who have special needs. And you know, you can tell if your parenting skills are working or not if your kid’s out of control. And if that’s the case, that doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent-far from it. You’re tolerating your child, you’re doing the best you can. What it means is that your child also needs to develop a new set of skills, and your child needs a parent with a level of skills that you don’t have yet.

The good news is you can get those skills that you need to teach your child how to manage his behavior. You can go online to find support. You can see a therapist who deals with behavioral problems and who can teach you techniques to deal with your child. Yes, action precedes understanding. And you can start taking actions now. Don’t be so intimidated by your child’s anger that you are afraid to take action and get the help you and your child need.

For three decades, behavioral therapist James Lehman, MSW, has worked with troubled teens and children with behavior problems. He has developed a practical, real-life approach to managing children and adolescents that teaches them how to solve social problems without hiding behind a facade of defiant, disrespectful, or obnoxious behavior. He has taught his approach to parents, teachers, state agencies and treatment centers in private practice and now through The Total Transformation® Program.

The Total Transformation Program® is a comprehensive step-by-step, multi-media, child behavior modification program for child behavior problems like oppositional defiance disorder and child anger issues.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=James_Lehman

James Lehman - EzineArticles Expert Author

Should you Negotiate your Childs Curfew?

Photo by Flickr
Photo by Flickr

There are times when your thirteen year old may seem like a seasoned litigator, and your kitchen feels like a courtroom. Kids are surprisingly adept at negotiating, and sometimes it’s hard to “beat them at their own game.” It’s important to teach kids how to negotiate because it’s a necessary life skill, and it helps create kids who can function independently. They need to learn healthy ways to interact with people to get what they need.

What they don’t need to learn is that they can negotiate with you to decrease your power as a parent. In most negotiations, one person has more power than the other. In parenting situations, it’s the child who has less power, and he is looking to be empowered. In conflict situations, it’s really that he either wants to do something you don’t want him to do or he doesn’t want to do something you want him to do.

As parents, we don’t set out to over-negotiate. We mean well, and we “fall into it.” When our kids whine, argue or resist, we give in or back off because we see it as a shortcut to compliance. If we negotiate with him, he’ll comply more readily. We also do it because we’re haunted by ghosts from our own childhood: “My mother never listened to me, so I’m not going to do that to my kids.”

Parents who over-negotiate with their children usually have good motives at heart, but the outcome is unhealthy. Usually, they are responding to some sort of coercion. They do it to avoid a power struggle or a meltdown. Kids learn that they can negotiate away the structure you’ve put in place in the home and, as a result, they can negotiate away your power and authority within that structure. They learn that you’ll give it away or give up if they push hard enough.

Nearly every parent finds themselves negotiating around the issue of their child’s curfew, whether it’s the time they’re expected home on a school night or on the weekends. When your child pushes you to extend the time by another half hour or hour, you can quickly find yourself in a pointless argument or backing down to avoid one. I recommend following these specific rules when your child wants to negotiate about curfew.

Parents should not negotiate predetermined agreements and responsibilities. You can say, “You agreed to be home by 6 o’clock on school nights. That’s what we agreed to when we talked about this. It’s your responsibility. We’re not going to talk about it anymore.”

Parents should not negotiate extending their child’s curfew over the phone, whether it’s 15 minutes or an hour before they’re expected home. If the child wants a later curfew, he has to come home on time now. Then he can sit down with you at another time to discuss a later curfew. He can’t change it on the night he wants to break it. Or you can approach it this way: Sit down with him when things are calm and say, “If you want a later curfew, come home on time on your regular curfew three times in a row and then we’ll talk about changing it. But if you can’t come home on time on this one, why should I give you a later one?” Remember, keeping your curfew is a responsibility, and you don’t negotiate responsibilities.

Don’t negotiate with the child when he’s trying to wrangle a later curfew with you through force. If he’s calling you and getting into a power struggle about “I don’t wanna come home yet,” don’t attend the fight you’re being invited to. Tell him you expect him home at his normal curfew, remind him of the consequence for not being home on time, and hang up.

Don’t negotiate your child’s curfew “on the spot.” Kids will do this to you all the time. They’ll bring up the issue of when they have to be home when you’re busy, stressed or distracted, thinking it will be easier to get you to give in. If your child wants to talk to you about his curfew while you’re making dinner, tell him you’ll talk about it after dinner at seven o’clock. Give yourself some time to think it through. When you meet at seven, both you and your child will likely have more of a clear head about the matter. Remember, just because your child asks you to talk about it doesn’t mean you have to give up the answer immediately. Take some time to think before you respond.

For three decades, behavioral therapist James Lehman, MSW, has worked with troubled teens and children with behavior problems. He has developed a practical, real-life approach to managing children and adolescents that teaches them how to solve social problems without hiding behind a facade of defiant, disrespectful, or obnoxious behavior. He has taught his approach to parents, teachers, state agencies and treatment centers in private practice and now through The Total Transformation® Program.

The Total Transformation Program® is a comprehensive step-by-step, multi-media, child behavior modification program for child behavior problems like oppositional defiance disorder and child anger issues.

Low Self Esteem in Kids Part I: Forget what you’ve Heard, It’s a Myth

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Photo by Flickr

Is your child struggling with low self-esteem? As a parent, it’s tough to stand by and see our children feeling like they don’t “measure up” or can’t handle things as well as their peers seem to do. Here we debunk the myth of focusing on children’s feelings at the expense of teaching them how to master life-skills.

Self-esteem, self-worth and self-respect are interchangable phrases we use to identity the feeling of everything being OK, that we’re going to be all right. Kids’ self-esteem is constantly being challenged because they’re constantly challenged with new things to experience. Every day in a child’s life, there are new opportunities and new tasks to deal with. And so their self-esteem, their sense of “I can handle it,” is constantly being put to the test. To state it simply, if your child is able to deal with things, if they have support and they learn how to solve life’s problems, their sense of self-esteem grows. If they don’t know how to manage this, their self-esteem diminishes and in fact, doesn’t develop the way it should.

One of the critical truths you need to know about your child’s self-esteem is that you cannot fix it as a parent. You’ll go crazy, you’ll drive your kid crazy, and you’ll find yourself having screaming arguments and fights trying to make all the pieces fit so that he doesn’t experience any discomfort. Instead, you have to learn how to give your child the tools to deal with his problems. And make no bones about it, in this world, how to have self-esteem is a problem we all have to solve, every day. Remember, dealing with something is often the solution. If your child fails a test, the best thing he or she can do is handle it emotionally by recognizing they’re in control of getting a better grade next time. What this means is that they learn how not to take their disappointment out on other people, to not beat themselves up, and to try again. And parents need to be concerned about self-esteem, but in a way that empowers them to teach their kids the skills they need.

So as a parent, how do you build this quality in kids? In my experience, kids develop self-esteem by doing things that are hard for them. To give you an example, when my son was young and he learned to tie his shoes, we were proud of him and praised him. But when he was eight and he tied his shoes, it was no longer a noteworthy event. When your child solves a problem that’s challenging and relevant to them now-and not just doing the same thing over and over again and being successful and getting praised for it-itbuilds self-esteem.

If you’re rewarding your kids for things that are artificial, understand this: those artificial rewards don’t build genuine self-esteem. At best, they build artificial self-esteem, which means your child feels better for a few minutes, but then goes downhill when the realistic challenges of his life surface. So if you’re still telling your child “nice job” for tying his shoe laces when he’s eight years old, that’s not going to accomplish anything. It may be a nice thing to do, because it’s always important to give your kids encouragement as often as you can, but since tying his shoes isn’t hard for him, that will not develop self-esteem. It won’t lead him to develop self-respect and it’s not going to help him solve the problem of feeling good about himself appropriately. If your goal is to show your child how he can build self-esteem-to learn how to manage problems and feel good about himself-that kind of praise is not going to get you there. You have to look at self-esteem through the framework of problem solving. Feeling good about yourself is a problem you have to solve. You solve it by learning how to do things better, not by talking about it and feeling better artificially.

If Your Child Has a Learning or Behavioral Disability: The Pitfalls of Special Ed.

Some special education programs falter with kids because the educators in those programs ask their students to do easy tasks in an attempt to make them feel better. And then they say, “Oh, great job,” and they give them A’s and 100’s on their work. But the fact is, your child knows what he’s doing is easy for him. Though he might get some momentary gratification, he doesn’t get any real self-esteem out of it. Your child might feel good about himself and come home and tell you, “Look Mom, I got an A.” But after that’s over, he doesn’t feel more confident about his ability to manage life or deal with his problems.

If your child has ADD or ADHD, dyslexia, or dyscalculia, or any label in that range of learning or behavioral disabilities, their perception very often becomes, “I don’t see the world the same way other people do.” Certainly that’s going to challenge their self-esteem, because they’re constantly going to see themselves as being a little off in social situations. As they grow older, that becomes pretty pervasive. Their sense is, “Uh oh, I’m different.” And kids interpret “different” as “stupid.” To them, “I’m different” means “I’m ugly.” “I’m different” means “I’m a loser, I’m an outsider.” Believe me, those are scary things for a kid. But the answer for children with disabilities is the same, in my mind. You may have to gauge tasks differently, but the main principle still applies-have your child tackle things that are challenging for him or her that will help their self-esteem grow. There’s a saying that I use: “If you want to develop self-esteem, do things that you can esteem. And if you want self-respect, you have to do things that you can respect.” And that’s true for everyone.

Counseling and Your Child’s Self-Esteem

The theory behind counseling that focuses on feelings is that if people feel better, they’ll think and behave better. But I’m afraid I haven’t found that to be the case in the 30 years I practiced. In fact, what I discovered was quite the opposite: when people behave better, they begin to feel better, they begin to be more successful and they start to think about themselves differently. Here’s what I’ve discovered: you can’t feel your way to better behavior, but you can behave your way to better feelings.

Don’t misunderstand, there’s nothing wrong with focusing on helping your child express his feelings. Just know that it’s not going to help his problem-solving skill development, it’s not going to help his mastery of difficult tasks, and it’s not going to give him the means to produce self-esteem himself. Another saying I like is: “If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach him how to fish, he can feed himself forever.” So, if you make your child feel good, he feels good for today, or for the moment. But if you show him what to do to feel good about himself, he can use those skills for the rest of his life.

Challenge the Thinking that Creates the Self-Esteem Problem

If you want to challenge a child who’s having behavioral issues and self-esteem problems, you have to confront the thinking they use to justify inappropriate behavior. So here’s what that would look like: Let’s say your child has an excuse for why he didn’t do his homework. As a parent, number one, you want to get him to complete his assignment. And number two, you want to let him know that giving you an excuse is not going to help; you want to challenge that kind of faulty belief.

Here’s how excuse-making breaks down in relation to self-esteem: Imagine that one child goes to school without his homework done, while another child has done the day’s assignment. The student who hasn’t finished his math homework feels bad-he’s angry, he’s frustrated. He watches the other kids hand in their work, and then the teacher says, “Where’s your homework, Ben?” She doesn’t listen to his excuses, she just gives him a poor grade. So Ben feels even worse. Later on that day when he sees a counselor, they talk about his homework problem with the goal of getting Ben to feel good, hoping that he’ll do the work if he feels better. When Ben walks out of the counselor’s office, he’s feeling OK, but within 30 minutes, when he fails to hand in his science homework, he’s frustrated and angry again. That night when he goes home, he hasn’t learned anything new, and the cycle starts over again.

But the child who completed his homework has every reason to feel good about himself. He’s mastered something; he’s on top of his responsibilities. And so that night when he goes home, he simply does his homework again. He may not understand how powerful his actions are, but in reality, he’s learning successful habits that breed self-esteem. Without a doubt, the more people learn how to be independent and do things independently, the higher their self-esteem is going to be, and the better they’re going to feel about themselves.

In fact, if you tested kids with solid self-esteem, you would find that they score high on independence and high on problem-solving skills. I believe that independence is one of the most important characteristics that a child can have, but parents don’t realize that, because no one tells them that truth. Many parents try to make their child like every other kid, when really, there are things they can be doing to help their child build independence. I believe this is one of the most important qualities a child can acquire in life.

How Can I Teach My Child the Skills They Need to Develop Self-Esteem?

If you have a child with low self-esteem or behavioral or social problems, you may have to actually develop a different set of parenting skills to help them. In the beginning of a child’s life, parents often have an ideal of what they will be like. For example, they might think he’ll be a good athlete, be well-liked, and do well in school. Or that maybe he’ll misbehave from time to time, but that he’ll learn from his mistakes when corrected. But when parents get a child who acts angry all the time, has low self-esteem, won’t deal with things in an appropriate way, and doesn’t admit mistakes, they simply don’t know what to do. Often, they still try to parent the child they wish they had instead of learning how to parent the child they have.

Most parents I’ve dealt with are doing just that when I first meet them. I’ll tell you what I’ve told them: the fact of the matter is, there are a lot of kids out there with problems that need a broader range of skills and deeper insight than other kids do. It’s not that this is an impossible task, but it’s one that may well need direct and immediate action on your part

For three decades, behavioral therapist James Lehman, MSW, has worked with troubled teens and children with behavior problems. He has developed a practical, real-life approach to managing children and adolescents that teaches them how to solve social problems without hiding behind a facade of defiant, disrespectful, or obnoxious behavior. He has taught his approach to parents, teachers, state agencies and treatment centers in private practice and now through The Total Transformation® Program.

The Total Transformation Program® is a comprehensive step-by-step, multi-media, child behavior modification program for child behavior problems like oppositional defiance disorder and child anger issues.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=James_Lehman

Motivating the Unmotivated Child

Photo by Flickr
Photo by Flickr

Getting into the back-to-school routine can be hard for everyone in the house. In the morning, parents are faced with groggy kids who won’t get out of bed and get ready for school no matter how much you nag, bribe and scold. Homework time can be even worse, with nightly fights and accusations echoing off the walls of your home. So how can you get your child to be more motivated? The important thing to remember is this: your child is motivated-they’re just motivated to resist you. Keep reading to find out how you can turn this negative motivation into a positive one.

Q: When a child becomes unmotivated and won’t get out of bed, do homework or participate in activities, what is he trying to tell the parent through this behavior?

When we’re talking about kids not getting out of bed, not doing their homework or school assignments or not wanting to get involved in family activities, it’s important for parents to realize that there is motivation in the child. But the motivation is to resist. The motivation is to do things their way, not yours, and to retain power.

When people feel powerless, they try to feel powerful by withholding. A child or teenager who feels very powerless will stay in bed, not go to school, avoid homework, sit on the couch and withhold overall involvement because it gives them a sense of being in control. To the parent, the behavior looks completely out of control. But the child sees it as the only way to have power over what’s going on around him.

The child who uses resistance to control lacks both social skills and problem solving skills. It’s important to define the difference between the two. Social skills are how to talk to other people, how to be friendly, how to feel comfortable inside your own skin and how to deal with people’s kindness. Problem solving skills are the skills that help kids figure out what people want from them, how to give it, how to deal with other people’s behavior, expectations and demands. Problem solving skills are needed to help a child handle being criticized in class. Many times the real reason kids don’t want to do their homework is because they’re simply lazy about the work or they don’t want to be criticized in class and held accountable for their work.

I want to be clear about this point: everyone is motivated. The question is, motivated to do what? If a child looks like he’s not motivated, you have to look at what he’s accomplishing and assume that this is what he’s motivated to do. So part of the solution is getting him to be motivated to do something else. To assume that the child is unmotivated is an ineffective way of looking at it. He is motivated. He’s simply motivated to do nothing. In this case, doing nothing means resisting and holding back to exercise control over you.

You’ll see it when you ask your child a question and he doesn’t answer, but you know he heard you. What’s that all about? That’s a child withholding an answer to feel powerful. When he says, “I don’t have to answer you if I don’t want to,” you see it as a lack of motivation. He sees it as a way to win control over you.

Q: As parents, we tend to respond to this unmotivated behavior by coaxing, arguing and screaming at the child. Or you just give up and do the child’s tasks for him because you don’t see another way. It doesn’t work, but it’s all you can do, it seems.

Very often these kids are motivated by a power struggle. They find different ways to have that struggle with their parents. The job of the parents in this case is to find other ways for the child to solve the problem that’s inherent in the power struggle. But if parents don’t have those other ways, then they just get locked into the power struggle.

If you’re fighting day after day with a kid who won’t get out of bed, you’re never going to solve that problem. Because even if he gets out of bed, then he won’t brush his teeth. And even if he brushes his teeth he won’t comb his hair. Or he won’t wear clean clothes or he won’t do his homework. If continually resisting is how a child tries to solve the problem of authority, then parents will have a hard time until they teach the child how to solve that problem appropriately.

The first step in teaching kids the problem solving skills they need is to understand how they think and realize that these kids are not helpless victims. They’re simply trying to solve problems, but the way they’re solving them is ineffective, inefficient and distorted. You have to deal with this distorted attempt for control in a systemic way. To give a simplistic solution like taking away his phone or taking away his TV does not deal with the problem. It won’t work. You have to look at the whole comprehensive picture.

Q: So how can parents deal with this behavior more effectively, without screaming, arguing or “overdoing” for the child?

I think parents should avoid giving the behavior power. When you yell at your child for lack of motivation, you’re giving the resisting behavior power. I understand that parents get frustrated and yell. The point I want to make here is that it won’t solve the problem. If you’re yelling or arguing with this child over these issues, you’re giving him more power in the struggle, and you don’t want to do that. Leave the choices really clear for the child. Use “I” words. “I want you to get up out of bed and get ready for school.” “I want you to do your homework now.” Then leave the bedroom. If the kid doesn’t do it, then there should be consequences. There should be accountability. If the kid says, “I don’t care about the consequences,” ignore it. Telling you he doesn’t care gives him a sense of being in control and a sense of power.

I would give consequences, and I don’t care if the kid doesn’t like it. If you don’t get out of bed, you shouldn’t be doing anything else. You shouldn’t get to play video games. You shouldn’t spend four hours in front of the TV. If you’re too sick to go to school, you shouldn’t be going out of the house. Those limits should be set and followed through.

I would always tell parents in my office that you have to have the courage to let him experience the natural consequences of his behavior. It takes a lot of courage to step back and say, “Okay, you’re not going to do your homework, and you’re going to get the grades that reflect that.” But in these cases, it can help to let the child experience the natural consequences of resistance. You don’t let the kid watch TV. You say, “Homework time is from six to eight. And if you don’t want do your homework in that time, that’s fine. But you can’t go on the computer, you can’t play games and you can’t watch TV. If you choose in that time period not to do your homework, that’ll be your choice. And if you fail, that’ll be your choice.”

Along with the plan to let him experience the natural consequences of his decision, build in rewards for success, if he does make the right decision. If my son failed a test, there was no punishment. But if he passed, there was a reward. It was very simple. We rewarded A’s and B’s. We didn’t take anything away for C; we just didn’t reward it. So my son strived to have A’s all the time. So with kids who resist, it’s important to have a rewards system as well as a consequence system.

Remember, natural consequences are an important part of life. That’s why we have speeding tickets. A speeding ticket is a natural consequence. If you go too fast, the policeman stops you and gives you a ticket. He doesn’t follow you home to make sure you don’t speed anymore. He lets you go. It’s your job to stop and take responsibility. If you don’t, you’re going to get another ticket fifteen minutes later. Natural consequences help people take responsibility, and they can be used to help kids take responsibility for things like going to school, participating in class and doing homework.

So when you’re interacting with a kid who appears unmotivated, remember that screaming, bargaining and doing things for him will not work. When you’re looking at this child, you have to remember, he is motivated. He’s just motivated to do something different than what you want him to do. He’s motivated to resist you. So the more power you put into it, the stronger his resistance gets. We don’t argue with kids because when we argue with them, we give them power. Focus on making that behavior powerless and give the consequences that you can give so that there’s accountability.

For three decades, behavioral therapist James Lehman, MSW, has worked with troubled teens and children with behavior problems. He has developed a practical, real-life approach to managing children and adolescents that teaches them how to solve social problems without hiding behind a facade of defiant, disrespectful, or obnoxious behavior. He has taught his approach to parents, teachers, state agencies and treatment centers in private practice and now through The Total Transformation® Program.

The Total Transformation Program® is a comprehensive step-by-step, multi-media, child behavior modification program for child behavior problems like oppositional defiant disorder and children anger issues.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=James_Lehman