Category Archives: Teens

Teach Your Teen Paycheck Savvy

Teach Your Teen Paycheck Savvy

By Linda Stern

From CNN Money Magazine

Congrats! Your kid landed a summer job in this tight, tight economy.

Now, of course, he’ll have that $7.25 an hour burning a hole in his pocket. That’s where you step in: “Parents have a real opportunity to help teens learn to manage that first paycheck,” says Mari Adam, a Boca Raton, Fla., financial adviser. “I can’t think of a better learning experience.” Share some solid financial strategies with your teen now, and your child may even have some cash left over come September.

Have the tax talk

Better explain the harsh realities of gross vs. net before your teen gets any big ideas about what she’ll spend her wages on. She may not yet understand that taxes will be withheld from every paycheck. So sit down with your child to go over that first pay stub, explaining how and why taxes are taken out, as well as the difference between income taxes (which most teens are likely to get back when they file tax returns) and FICA taxes (which they won’t). “This will be a real shock to them,” says Adam.

Take it to the bank

Help your kid open two bank accounts — one savings, one checking. Spend time together comparing fees and rates online, looking specifically for a no-fee checking account meant for teenagers. You’ll have to co-sign the accounts, but it’s worth it so your kid can start learning to use an ATM card and keep his balance in the black. (Just don’t forget to mention the exorbitant costs of using another bank’s ATM.)

Your child may balk at an analog check register but might enjoy tracking expenses online via Mint.com. To motivate him, explain about the $30 overdraft fees the bank will rapidly bestow if he messes up budget calculations. And remind him that at minimum wage, it would take most of a day’s work to recoup that expense.

Share the savings secret

Deferred gratification is an important lesson. Your teen may not be inspired to stash cash for retirement but may be swayed to the savings habit with a near-term goal, like an iPod Touch or a limo for homecoming. Help her do the math so that she’ll know how much to set aside per paycheck to afford her prize by summer’s end. Show her how to have that automatically transferred from checking to savings every pay period. As an incentive, offer to match your child’s contributions.

Avoid micromanaging

Blowing that first paycheck on shoes that will be out of style before the next check arrives is a rite of passage, isn’t it? It’s also a “very good lesson,” says Rob Gordon, a Coconut Grove, Fla., financial adviser. So let kids have space to make spending decisions, even if they’ll end up with buyer’s remorse.

There’s nothing like having wasted your own hard- earned cash to make you more careful with your money next time.

Video: Susan Beacham provides advice on Teens and Money on the Dr. Phil Show

Katie is a teenaged girl who wants a lot, and who expects her parents to foot the bill. She asks for manicures, haircuts and clothes without any thought to the financial cost. Susan Beacham sits down with Katie to discuss her family’s monthly income, and shows her the amount available to spend after mortgage payments, utilities and other bills are taken out of the paycheck.

The Most Successful Teen Celebrity Entrepreneurs

The Most Successful Teen Celebrity Entrepreneurs

The recipe for success is to do one thing really well, diversify and go viral.

By Maureen Farrell

From Forbes Magazine Online


It’s hard enough to land a line in a TV commercial, let alone snag a starring role in a feature film. Or bag a record contract. Or a chunky book advance. Or a big box store endorsement deal.

But achieving all of the above, with some philanthropy on the side? Now that’s serious entrepreneurship–and it’s all in a day’s work for a rarefied clique of teenage celebrity entrepreneurs who have star power to spare.

These preternatural, barely post-pubescent brand-builders have dabbled in multiple entertainment genres, bagged endorsements, raised money for charity and even sold their personal stories and photos to the tabloids.

In Pictures: 11 Teen Celebrity Entrepreneurs

The path to becoming a multitasking multihyphenate? “Don’t try to do it all at first,” says Frederick Levy, a Hollywood agent and author of Acting in Young Hollywood. “The most successful tween and teen stars have built either an acting or music career and then branched off into other areas. Once people like you on a television show, they’ll buy your albums and your clothes and almost anything else you want to sell.”

That’s what 16-year-old Taylor Momsen is doing. A cast member on the CW’s Gossip Girl, Momsen’s manager, Sam Maydew, says her first love has always been music, but “at 12, people won’t take you seriously.” Now after three successful seasons as Jenny Humphrey, Momsen’s musical career is taking off. The lead singer in punk band Pretty Reckless, last year she signed a contract with Interscope Records and will be on the Warped Tour this summer.

Momsen has company among teen celebrities who spread out into other areas, but unlike most, she didn’t rise out of the two tween and teen star factories. Entertainment conglomerates The Walt Disney Co.DIS – news people ) and Viacom‘s (VIA – news – people ) Nickelodeon are the machines that built A-listers like Miley Cyrus, Hillary Duff and the Jonas Brothers.

“These platforms put celebrities in front of millions of young people,” says Mitchell Gossett, an agent with United Talent Agency who represents Victoria Justice, the star of Nickelodeon’s Victorious. “Most of these actors are multitalented. Once they’ve been adopted by Disney or Nickelodeon, they can start marketing ancillary products.”

Still, with the changing media landscape, Gossett says even teens who have been crowned by Disney and Nickelodeon as the next sensation must find ways to get their names and faces out to the public virally by cultivating a Web following. Gossett, who formerly represented Miley Cyrus, credits her success to her own knowledge of viral marketing.

“Miley had this machine behind her, but she also knew how to use the Internet to generate the undercurrent for her extraordinary rise,” says Gosset. “The machines like Disney are looking to young people to help them figure out how to use the Internet most successfully.”

Some entrepreneurial youngsters have found a way to make YouTube a platform for launching their own careers. Sixteen-year-old music sensation Justin Bieber was discovered by agent Scooter Braun through videos he posted on YouTube. Bieber’s talent and his YouTube following sparked a bidding war between Usher and Justin Timberlake to sign Bieber to their respective labels. Usher won.

“I used to fly around the country looking for talent, and I still do, but nowadays another way is to spend hours a day on the Internet looking for the next star, ” says Gossett.

Miley Cyrus and her Hannah Montana franchise have spawned multimillion-dollar empires both inside and outside Disney. But she’s not the only one. Find the 11 top teen celebrity entrepreneurs here.

Video: These Kids Mean Business

Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist Clarence Page looks at the role of entrepreneurship education as a way to help change the lives of at-risk youth.

Centered on budding entrepreneurs across the country and the programs created to foster their interest and understanding of the free-market, the documentary tells the tale of underserved youth creating and living their own versions of the American success story.

For more information visit
http://www.pbs.org/thesekidsmeanbusiness

Good Behavior is not Magic, It’s a Skill: The three Skills every Child Needs for Good Behavior

photo by flickr
photo by flickr

When you have a child who acts out and is disrespectful or disruptive, it’s easy to compare him to the so-called “good kids” who never seem to get into trouble or give their parents grief. Many people feel hopeless about the possibility of ever teaching their child to “magically” become the kind of well-behaved member of the family they envisioned before they had him.

The truth is that good behavior isn’t magic-you can’t just wave a wand and turn your child into who you want him to be. Rather, good behavior is a skill that can be learned, just like carpentry, teaching or nursing. I believe three of the most important skills for children to learn as a foundation for good behavior are: how to read social situations, how to manage emotions, and how to solve problems appropriately. If your child can learn to master these three tasks with your help, he will be well on his way to functioning successfully as an adult.

Skill #1: Reading Social Situations

The ability to read social situations is important because it helps your child avoid trouble and teaches him how to get along with others. If he can walk into a classroom. lunchroom, playground or a dance, read what’s going on there, and then decide how he’s going to interact in that environment in an appropriate way, he’s already halfway there. So if your child sees a bunch of kids who usually tease and bully others, the skill of reading social situations will help him stay away from that group, rather than gravitate toward it.

Parents can help their kids develop these skills by getting them to read the looks on people’s faces at the mall or a restaurant, for example. If your child can learn to see who looks angry, frustrated or bored, two things will happen: the first is that he will be able to identify the looks on people’s faces. Secondly, he’ll learn that he should try to identify how others are feeling. Both are integral in learning how to read social situations.

Skill #2: Managing Emotions:

It’s critical for your child to learn how to manage his emotions appropriately as he matures. Managing your emotions means that it’s not OK to punch a hole in the wall because you’re angry; it’s not OK to curse at your dad because he took your iPod away. Children need to learn that just because they feel bad or angry, it does not give them the right to hurt others.

  • Ask the Right Questions – If your child calls his little sister a nasty name, it’s your job to first sit down and ask, “What did you see going on that you thought you needed to do that?” Not, “How did you feel?” but “What was going on?” You’ll find that usually this type of behavior is generally self-centered. Perhaps your child’s little sister is getting more attention or she’s watching a show and he wants the TV, or she’s playing with the video games and he wants to play them. When your child does not know how to deal with that situation and he becomes nasty or abusive, it’s time for you to step in and put a stop to it. And I think you should very clearly state, “Just because you’re angry, it doesn’t give you the right to call your sister a nasty name.” That’s an important, direct way of teaching the skill of managing emotions.
  • What Giving Consequences Does (and Doesn’t) Accomplish – I believe that consequences are part of accountability. In other words, your child should know that if the inappropriate behavior happens again, he will be held accountable. Saying that, I don’t think people change simply because they’re punished or are given consequences. Although parents often focus on them, consequences alone are not enough. Rather, it’s the learning process associated with the consequences that changes a child’s behavior. So it’s the part of your child’s thinking process that says, “Next time I’m upset, if I call Sarah a name, I’m going to be punished. Instead, I can just go to my room and cool down.”  Here’s the truth: you can punish kids until the cows come home, but it’s not going to change their behavior. That’s because the problem is actually not the behavior-the problem lies in the way kids think. This faulty thinking then gets externalized into how they behave. If you punish them for the behavior and neglect to challenge the way they think about the problem-or discuss what their options are for dealing with that problem effectively in the future-then really, what are you doing? You’re punishing your child, but he hasn’t learned anything and he’s not going to do anything differently. In fact, he’s probably just going to do it again when you’re not looking.
  • “What Will You Do Differently Next Time?” – I think it’s very important that you talk to your child about what he can do differently the next time he feels angry or frustrated. This tool is something I developed as part of The Total Transformation Program, and it’s an important way to focus on changing your child’s behavior. When you use this technique, it encourages your child to come up with other things he or she might do instead of using ineffective behavior. By the way, when you have this talk with your child, it should be a pretty businesslike conversation-it’s not all smiley and touchy feely; it shouldn’t be abusive or negative, either. Stick to the facts and ask, “What can you do differently next time?”

Skill #3: Teach Problem Solving Skills

There’s No Such Thing as “Good Kids” and “Bad Kids”

I believe that the kids who are labeled “good” are children who know how to solve their problems and manage their behavior and social life, and the kids who are labeled “bad” are kids who don’t know how to solve those problems. A child is often labeled “the bad kid” when he’s developed ineffective actions to solve the problems that other kids solve appropriately. So this child may turn to responses that are disrespectful, destructive, abusive, and physically violent. In my opinion, there’s no such thing as good kids or bad kids, there are simply kids who have learned effective ways of solving life’s problems, and kids who have not.

As they develop, children have to continually adjust their problem-solving skills and learn new ones. For instance, for a three year old, being told “no” is the biggest problem in her life. She stomps her feet, she throws a tantrum. Eventually, she has to learn to deal with that problem and manage the feelings associated with it. And so those tasks continue for five-year-olds who have to deal with the first day of school and for nine-year-olds who have to change in gym. They continue for 12- and 13-year-olds when they’re at middle school, which is a much more chaotic environment than they have ever faced before.

I’ve devoted much of my career to dealing with kids who behaved inappropriately, all the way from kids who were withdrawn and depressed to kids who were aggressive and acted out physically. I believe a very key element in helping children change their behavior is for parents to learn techniques where they help their child identify the problem they’re facing. Together, you look at how to solve problems and come up with other solutions. So talk to your child about the problem at hand and how to solve it-not about the emotion your child is feeling.

In the end, there is no magic solution to good behavior. The secret is really in teaching kids how to solve problems; good behavior is simply one of the fruits on that problem-solving tree. Your goal as a parent is to give your child the tools to learn good behavior. It’s never too late to get these tools, but know this: if your child can’t read a situation in the ninth grade and doesn’t know how to respond, reacts by getting aggressive, and then gets into trouble, how do you think they are going to handle it when they’re an adult and their boss tells them something they don’t want to hear? That’s why it’s important for you as parent not to “wish away” the bad behavior and to start teaching your child the skills he needs to change his behavior for good.

For three decades, behavioral therapist James Lehman, MSW, has worked with troubled kids and children with behavior problems. He has developed a practical, real-life approach to managing children and adolescents that teaches them how to solve social problems without hiding behind a facade of defiant, disrespectful, or obnoxious behavior. He has taught his approach to parents, teachers, state agencies and treatment centers in private practice and now through The Total Transformation Program — a comprehensive step-by-step, multi-media program that makes learning James’ techniques remarkably easy and helps you change your child’s behavior. Click now for your Risk Free Trial.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=James_Lehman

Anger as a Weapon: Does Your Child Point the Gun at You?

Photo by Flickr
Photo by Flickr

From young children to teens, we explain why your child is in trouble if he or she uses anger and acting out behavior to control others.

When children use anger to get what they want, it can feel for all the world like they’re pointing a loaded weapon at you. As a parent, you dread the ugly and sometimes violent emotional outbursts that come with this type of behavior. Before I discuss children who use anger as a weapon-or the way that I like to put it, as a problem solving technique-I want to caution people that once a child is using extreme anger, they’re in a lot of trouble. And by the way, I’m not talking about a two-year-old throwing a tantrum, I’m talking about a five-year-old throwing toys around the room or an eight-year-old hitting his sister or a twelve-year-old kicking holes in the wall. Once a child is at that level, there are some serious issues at stake, and you need to get them some help fast. There’s no way I can address every aspect of this problem in one article, but what I can do is explain a little bit more about what’s going through your child’s head, and the steps you need to take as a parent to change this pattern of behavior.

Let me explain to you why I think that your child is in trouble if they’re using anger to seek control. I believe that kids who act out this way haven’t developed the appropriate problem solving skills to deal with the stressors, emotions and situations they experience at their age level. Don’t forget, anger is a feeling, but anger is also a problem that has to be solved. When you’re angry and you’ve got all that chaotic energy inside of you, you have to learn what to do about it besides take it out on others. When you’re afraid, you have to learn what to do with that fear-that’s a problem you have to solve. Too many times feelings are looked at solely as feelings and not as problems for which your child needs to find a solution.

It’s also important to understand this: kids get a sense of power from acting out and they use that power to solve the problem instead of learning how to cope with life. These children don’t learn the mechanics of problem solving or how to deal with their feelings appropriately. And that’s an important and critical misstep, because it leaves them on one side of the cliff with no bridge to the next phase of life, the phase where they learn to negotiate, to get along with others, and to solve the problems that arise without losing control.

How Kids Use Anger to Control Their Environment

From the age of four, almost all of us learned how to solve our anger problems, and now we do it so easily and quickly that we don’t even realize that we’re solving them. We feel angry at our boss but we keep our mouth shut. Perhaps we jog after work, or we go to the gym. Or we watch a movie or read a book. We do things that enrich our lives to compensate for the stressors that we feel: We find a way to solve those problems.

But with kids who use anger to manipulate a situation, it’s a whole different story. They’ve learned to solve the problem of feeling uncomfortable by striking out at others. When they have a hard time, instead of dealing with their emotions, they strike out. And in the short term, that solves their problem-usually people back off. If their parents or teachers or caregivers don’t back off the first time, they back off the second or third or fifth or tenth time. Even if they just kicked a hole in your wall, they don’t even see it as their wall, they don’t care. To put it plainly, the child or the teenager has nothing to lose.

Once children learn how to use acting out, aggression, destructive behavior and verbal abuse-that whole family of behaviors-as a coping mechanism, as a skill to solve life’s problems, they are treading on dangerous territory. Because when they find that it works, they keep doing it. And the older they get, the more that technique becomes ingrained in them. And so by the time they’re older children or entering early adolescence, this is their main way of coping with anything that frustrates or upsets them.

Are Your Younger Child’s Meltdowns Giving him Control?

It’s simple: the more your young child succeeds at using anger and destructive behavior as a way to solve his problems-and the more you let him get away with doing that-the more entrenched that behavior is going to become.

Here’s what happens: Your child is faced with a situation that’s frustrating. He responds by losing control. As a parent, you see your child melting down. But if you look at the bigger picture, is he really losing control? Because here’s the thing: the next time you tell him he has to go clean his room, you’re going to remember the last explosion and you’re going to ask in a different way, or soften the request. If he explodes again, eventually you’ll clean his room yourself. So even though it looks like he’s losing control by melting down, in reality he’s getting more and more control over everybody in the house.

The same thing happens at school. Even though these kids look like they’re losing control when they act out, in fact, they’re getting more control over the class because they wind up not having to do the work. Somewhere along the line the child learned that acting this way gave him an edge, and gave him some power-it gave him some control over the adults in his life. The expectations placed upon him were diminished, and the tolerance for inappropriate behavior was raised. In his very bright human mind, he realized that it worked. And so he tried it again, it worked again, and it worked again until it became a pattern.

When these kids lose control, in their mind, they’re in control. They’re getting back at you. They’re showing you that they’re not going to do what you ask of them. If not now, then maybe the next time you’re going to ignore their behavior and do it yourself. And that’s their goal. It’s a very difficult pattern to break as a parent and you may very well need guidance from a behavioral program or a behavioral specialist, even when your child is still young.

For Parents of Angry, Acting-out Teens

I think if teens are acting out and using anger to control you, they certainly have years of experience that says that this method works for them. They may behave themselves around their friends, or around the police. They have to behave themselves in public for the most part, and they tend to do so. But when they get home or are at school where this behavior works, they readily employ it.

So, what happens? You see these kids get moved through school. There are countless conferences with teachers and parents and school psychologists. But really, in the end, if the child is resolute, nothing changes. He goes to Special Ed classes where they tiptoe around him and he does easy work. They pat him on the head when he spells ten words right and tell him what a great guy he is. In short, they do everything they can to manage his behavior. And the school’s goal, by the way, is not to educate him at that point-it’s to manage his behavior. And that’s exactly what he wants. He wants to control the environment, control you through his behavior. He wants it to be your job to not upset him. The message to you is, “If you upset me, bad things are going to happen.”

Never lose sight of the fact that as a parent, your most important job is to teach your child how to learn to solve problems. Teens are miserable half the time because they’re dealing with some tremendous problems and at the same time, trying to learn how to manage life. They’re not children anymore and they’re not adults, but they are starting to have some adult expectations of responsibility-without the benefit of all the tools adults have. In fact, the only way they can get those tools is by learning how to manage situations. There’s a saying I like: “Action precedes understanding.” In other words, teenagers have to go through all of this stuff, and in the end, they’ll understand how it helped them.

But kids who avoid solving problems through intimidation, abuse, anger and acting out behavior don’t develop the skills to deal with life. Sadly, they wind up as young adults whose primary problem solving skill is to intimidate others and break things if they don’t get their way. The truth is, there’s no future in our world for adults like that. And they rarely grow up without encounters with the police, substance abuse, and criminal activity.

For kids who learn how to solve problems through defiance, all they do is defy. And if you ask them why they did it, they’ll tell you it was your fault or somebody else’s fault. “I was wrong but you made me. You wouldn’t let me have the money. You wouldn’t let me stay up and watch TV. You wanted me to clean my room and not let me finish my game.” You, you, you. And these kids wind up feeling like a victim all the time, and you know, if you feel like a victim then the rules don’t apply to you. And so they strike out defiantly, and that becomes their main technique to solving problems. Who are these kids I’m speaking about? They’re the brooding teenagers who are angry all the time at home. They become teens who get involved with drugs and alcohol. They become teens who get involved with petty crime and the police. And you know, you’ll see them do antisocial things in the community. They’ll be destructive, knock down people’s mailboxes, or break into cars. And they get involved with all that because they actually see themselves as victims and therefore, somehow it’s different for them. But as a parent, you’ve got to really rigorously and strongly challenge that feeling and that way of thinking. For people who aren’t able to give up that victim identity, it becomes very hard to change.

Getting Control Back

I think the way that you get control back is to grit your teeth and be ready for a big fight. Start saying no, and mean it. Be prepared to lock up the video game in the trunk of your car. Be prepared to let your child scream in the store for 15 minutes. Be prepared to call the police. Be prepared to go through these things and be ready to do what it takes for your child to understand that this strategy, this problem solving skill of acting out, doesn’t work anymore. If you aren’t able to deal with this problem, you’re endangering yourself and you’re endangering your child. The behavior is going to escalate. Parents need to understand that and seek outside resources, have a backup plan, and be prepared to stand your ground.

I suggest you read as much as you can on the subject of managing kids with behavior problems. Find a behavior-oriented therapist. Work with the school and do whatever you can. Also, there are books available at the book store and programs available online that can help you get the skills you need. Because, if this problem doesn’t change in your child, in adulthood it becomes really terrible and sad. The terrible part is, of course, adults can’t solve their problems by acting out and exploding. They wind up in jail, they wind up fired, they wind up hopeless. And it’s sad because when the child becomes an adult, he really feels cheated by life. He doesn’t understand why he hasn’t made it and other kids have. And he really feels like a loser-in fact, these kids feel like losers for a great amount of their lives, because they know right from wrong. Many times after they act inappropriately they feel sad and confused. Deep down, they know what good behavior is and bad behavior is-they just can’t operationalize it when they’re upset.

So if you’re in this position with your child, you need to learn new problem solving skills. In essence, you have to develop special parenting skills for kids who have special needs. And you know, you can tell if your parenting skills are working or not if your kid’s out of control. And if that’s the case, that doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent-far from it. You’re tolerating your child, you’re doing the best you can. What it means is that your child also needs to develop a new set of skills, and your child needs a parent with a level of skills that you don’t have yet.

The good news is you can get those skills that you need to teach your child how to manage his behavior. You can go online to find support. You can see a therapist who deals with behavioral problems and who can teach you techniques to deal with your child. Yes, action precedes understanding. And you can start taking actions now. Don’t be so intimidated by your child’s anger that you are afraid to take action and get the help you and your child need.

For three decades, behavioral therapist James Lehman, MSW, has worked with troubled teens and children with behavior problems. He has developed a practical, real-life approach to managing children and adolescents that teaches them how to solve social problems without hiding behind a facade of defiant, disrespectful, or obnoxious behavior. He has taught his approach to parents, teachers, state agencies and treatment centers in private practice and now through The Total Transformation® Program.

The Total Transformation Program® is a comprehensive step-by-step, multi-media, child behavior modification program for child behavior problems like oppositional defiance disorder and child anger issues.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=James_Lehman

James Lehman - EzineArticles Expert Author

Low Self Esteem in Kids Part I: Forget what you’ve Heard, It’s a Myth

Photo by Flickr
Photo by Flickr

Is your child struggling with low self-esteem? As a parent, it’s tough to stand by and see our children feeling like they don’t “measure up” or can’t handle things as well as their peers seem to do. Here we debunk the myth of focusing on children’s feelings at the expense of teaching them how to master life-skills.

Self-esteem, self-worth and self-respect are interchangable phrases we use to identity the feeling of everything being OK, that we’re going to be all right. Kids’ self-esteem is constantly being challenged because they’re constantly challenged with new things to experience. Every day in a child’s life, there are new opportunities and new tasks to deal with. And so their self-esteem, their sense of “I can handle it,” is constantly being put to the test. To state it simply, if your child is able to deal with things, if they have support and they learn how to solve life’s problems, their sense of self-esteem grows. If they don’t know how to manage this, their self-esteem diminishes and in fact, doesn’t develop the way it should.

One of the critical truths you need to know about your child’s self-esteem is that you cannot fix it as a parent. You’ll go crazy, you’ll drive your kid crazy, and you’ll find yourself having screaming arguments and fights trying to make all the pieces fit so that he doesn’t experience any discomfort. Instead, you have to learn how to give your child the tools to deal with his problems. And make no bones about it, in this world, how to have self-esteem is a problem we all have to solve, every day. Remember, dealing with something is often the solution. If your child fails a test, the best thing he or she can do is handle it emotionally by recognizing they’re in control of getting a better grade next time. What this means is that they learn how not to take their disappointment out on other people, to not beat themselves up, and to try again. And parents need to be concerned about self-esteem, but in a way that empowers them to teach their kids the skills they need.

So as a parent, how do you build this quality in kids? In my experience, kids develop self-esteem by doing things that are hard for them. To give you an example, when my son was young and he learned to tie his shoes, we were proud of him and praised him. But when he was eight and he tied his shoes, it was no longer a noteworthy event. When your child solves a problem that’s challenging and relevant to them now-and not just doing the same thing over and over again and being successful and getting praised for it-itbuilds self-esteem.

If you’re rewarding your kids for things that are artificial, understand this: those artificial rewards don’t build genuine self-esteem. At best, they build artificial self-esteem, which means your child feels better for a few minutes, but then goes downhill when the realistic challenges of his life surface. So if you’re still telling your child “nice job” for tying his shoe laces when he’s eight years old, that’s not going to accomplish anything. It may be a nice thing to do, because it’s always important to give your kids encouragement as often as you can, but since tying his shoes isn’t hard for him, that will not develop self-esteem. It won’t lead him to develop self-respect and it’s not going to help him solve the problem of feeling good about himself appropriately. If your goal is to show your child how he can build self-esteem-to learn how to manage problems and feel good about himself-that kind of praise is not going to get you there. You have to look at self-esteem through the framework of problem solving. Feeling good about yourself is a problem you have to solve. You solve it by learning how to do things better, not by talking about it and feeling better artificially.

If Your Child Has a Learning or Behavioral Disability: The Pitfalls of Special Ed.

Some special education programs falter with kids because the educators in those programs ask their students to do easy tasks in an attempt to make them feel better. And then they say, “Oh, great job,” and they give them A’s and 100’s on their work. But the fact is, your child knows what he’s doing is easy for him. Though he might get some momentary gratification, he doesn’t get any real self-esteem out of it. Your child might feel good about himself and come home and tell you, “Look Mom, I got an A.” But after that’s over, he doesn’t feel more confident about his ability to manage life or deal with his problems.

If your child has ADD or ADHD, dyslexia, or dyscalculia, or any label in that range of learning or behavioral disabilities, their perception very often becomes, “I don’t see the world the same way other people do.” Certainly that’s going to challenge their self-esteem, because they’re constantly going to see themselves as being a little off in social situations. As they grow older, that becomes pretty pervasive. Their sense is, “Uh oh, I’m different.” And kids interpret “different” as “stupid.” To them, “I’m different” means “I’m ugly.” “I’m different” means “I’m a loser, I’m an outsider.” Believe me, those are scary things for a kid. But the answer for children with disabilities is the same, in my mind. You may have to gauge tasks differently, but the main principle still applies-have your child tackle things that are challenging for him or her that will help their self-esteem grow. There’s a saying that I use: “If you want to develop self-esteem, do things that you can esteem. And if you want self-respect, you have to do things that you can respect.” And that’s true for everyone.

Counseling and Your Child’s Self-Esteem

The theory behind counseling that focuses on feelings is that if people feel better, they’ll think and behave better. But I’m afraid I haven’t found that to be the case in the 30 years I practiced. In fact, what I discovered was quite the opposite: when people behave better, they begin to feel better, they begin to be more successful and they start to think about themselves differently. Here’s what I’ve discovered: you can’t feel your way to better behavior, but you can behave your way to better feelings.

Don’t misunderstand, there’s nothing wrong with focusing on helping your child express his feelings. Just know that it’s not going to help his problem-solving skill development, it’s not going to help his mastery of difficult tasks, and it’s not going to give him the means to produce self-esteem himself. Another saying I like is: “If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach him how to fish, he can feed himself forever.” So, if you make your child feel good, he feels good for today, or for the moment. But if you show him what to do to feel good about himself, he can use those skills for the rest of his life.

Challenge the Thinking that Creates the Self-Esteem Problem

If you want to challenge a child who’s having behavioral issues and self-esteem problems, you have to confront the thinking they use to justify inappropriate behavior. So here’s what that would look like: Let’s say your child has an excuse for why he didn’t do his homework. As a parent, number one, you want to get him to complete his assignment. And number two, you want to let him know that giving you an excuse is not going to help; you want to challenge that kind of faulty belief.

Here’s how excuse-making breaks down in relation to self-esteem: Imagine that one child goes to school without his homework done, while another child has done the day’s assignment. The student who hasn’t finished his math homework feels bad-he’s angry, he’s frustrated. He watches the other kids hand in their work, and then the teacher says, “Where’s your homework, Ben?” She doesn’t listen to his excuses, she just gives him a poor grade. So Ben feels even worse. Later on that day when he sees a counselor, they talk about his homework problem with the goal of getting Ben to feel good, hoping that he’ll do the work if he feels better. When Ben walks out of the counselor’s office, he’s feeling OK, but within 30 minutes, when he fails to hand in his science homework, he’s frustrated and angry again. That night when he goes home, he hasn’t learned anything new, and the cycle starts over again.

But the child who completed his homework has every reason to feel good about himself. He’s mastered something; he’s on top of his responsibilities. And so that night when he goes home, he simply does his homework again. He may not understand how powerful his actions are, but in reality, he’s learning successful habits that breed self-esteem. Without a doubt, the more people learn how to be independent and do things independently, the higher their self-esteem is going to be, and the better they’re going to feel about themselves.

In fact, if you tested kids with solid self-esteem, you would find that they score high on independence and high on problem-solving skills. I believe that independence is one of the most important characteristics that a child can have, but parents don’t realize that, because no one tells them that truth. Many parents try to make their child like every other kid, when really, there are things they can be doing to help their child build independence. I believe this is one of the most important qualities a child can acquire in life.

How Can I Teach My Child the Skills They Need to Develop Self-Esteem?

If you have a child with low self-esteem or behavioral or social problems, you may have to actually develop a different set of parenting skills to help them. In the beginning of a child’s life, parents often have an ideal of what they will be like. For example, they might think he’ll be a good athlete, be well-liked, and do well in school. Or that maybe he’ll misbehave from time to time, but that he’ll learn from his mistakes when corrected. But when parents get a child who acts angry all the time, has low self-esteem, won’t deal with things in an appropriate way, and doesn’t admit mistakes, they simply don’t know what to do. Often, they still try to parent the child they wish they had instead of learning how to parent the child they have.

Most parents I’ve dealt with are doing just that when I first meet them. I’ll tell you what I’ve told them: the fact of the matter is, there are a lot of kids out there with problems that need a broader range of skills and deeper insight than other kids do. It’s not that this is an impossible task, but it’s one that may well need direct and immediate action on your part

For three decades, behavioral therapist James Lehman, MSW, has worked with troubled teens and children with behavior problems. He has developed a practical, real-life approach to managing children and adolescents that teaches them how to solve social problems without hiding behind a facade of defiant, disrespectful, or obnoxious behavior. He has taught his approach to parents, teachers, state agencies and treatment centers in private practice and now through The Total Transformation® Program.

The Total Transformation Program® is a comprehensive step-by-step, multi-media, child behavior modification program for child behavior problems like oppositional defiance disorder and child anger issues.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=James_Lehman

Motivating the Unmotivated Child

Photo by Flickr
Photo by Flickr

Getting into the back-to-school routine can be hard for everyone in the house. In the morning, parents are faced with groggy kids who won’t get out of bed and get ready for school no matter how much you nag, bribe and scold. Homework time can be even worse, with nightly fights and accusations echoing off the walls of your home. So how can you get your child to be more motivated? The important thing to remember is this: your child is motivated-they’re just motivated to resist you. Keep reading to find out how you can turn this negative motivation into a positive one.

Q: When a child becomes unmotivated and won’t get out of bed, do homework or participate in activities, what is he trying to tell the parent through this behavior?

When we’re talking about kids not getting out of bed, not doing their homework or school assignments or not wanting to get involved in family activities, it’s important for parents to realize that there is motivation in the child. But the motivation is to resist. The motivation is to do things their way, not yours, and to retain power.

When people feel powerless, they try to feel powerful by withholding. A child or teenager who feels very powerless will stay in bed, not go to school, avoid homework, sit on the couch and withhold overall involvement because it gives them a sense of being in control. To the parent, the behavior looks completely out of control. But the child sees it as the only way to have power over what’s going on around him.

The child who uses resistance to control lacks both social skills and problem solving skills. It’s important to define the difference between the two. Social skills are how to talk to other people, how to be friendly, how to feel comfortable inside your own skin and how to deal with people’s kindness. Problem solving skills are the skills that help kids figure out what people want from them, how to give it, how to deal with other people’s behavior, expectations and demands. Problem solving skills are needed to help a child handle being criticized in class. Many times the real reason kids don’t want to do their homework is because they’re simply lazy about the work or they don’t want to be criticized in class and held accountable for their work.

I want to be clear about this point: everyone is motivated. The question is, motivated to do what? If a child looks like he’s not motivated, you have to look at what he’s accomplishing and assume that this is what he’s motivated to do. So part of the solution is getting him to be motivated to do something else. To assume that the child is unmotivated is an ineffective way of looking at it. He is motivated. He’s simply motivated to do nothing. In this case, doing nothing means resisting and holding back to exercise control over you.

You’ll see it when you ask your child a question and he doesn’t answer, but you know he heard you. What’s that all about? That’s a child withholding an answer to feel powerful. When he says, “I don’t have to answer you if I don’t want to,” you see it as a lack of motivation. He sees it as a way to win control over you.

Q: As parents, we tend to respond to this unmotivated behavior by coaxing, arguing and screaming at the child. Or you just give up and do the child’s tasks for him because you don’t see another way. It doesn’t work, but it’s all you can do, it seems.

Very often these kids are motivated by a power struggle. They find different ways to have that struggle with their parents. The job of the parents in this case is to find other ways for the child to solve the problem that’s inherent in the power struggle. But if parents don’t have those other ways, then they just get locked into the power struggle.

If you’re fighting day after day with a kid who won’t get out of bed, you’re never going to solve that problem. Because even if he gets out of bed, then he won’t brush his teeth. And even if he brushes his teeth he won’t comb his hair. Or he won’t wear clean clothes or he won’t do his homework. If continually resisting is how a child tries to solve the problem of authority, then parents will have a hard time until they teach the child how to solve that problem appropriately.

The first step in teaching kids the problem solving skills they need is to understand how they think and realize that these kids are not helpless victims. They’re simply trying to solve problems, but the way they’re solving them is ineffective, inefficient and distorted. You have to deal with this distorted attempt for control in a systemic way. To give a simplistic solution like taking away his phone or taking away his TV does not deal with the problem. It won’t work. You have to look at the whole comprehensive picture.

Q: So how can parents deal with this behavior more effectively, without screaming, arguing or “overdoing” for the child?

I think parents should avoid giving the behavior power. When you yell at your child for lack of motivation, you’re giving the resisting behavior power. I understand that parents get frustrated and yell. The point I want to make here is that it won’t solve the problem. If you’re yelling or arguing with this child over these issues, you’re giving him more power in the struggle, and you don’t want to do that. Leave the choices really clear for the child. Use “I” words. “I want you to get up out of bed and get ready for school.” “I want you to do your homework now.” Then leave the bedroom. If the kid doesn’t do it, then there should be consequences. There should be accountability. If the kid says, “I don’t care about the consequences,” ignore it. Telling you he doesn’t care gives him a sense of being in control and a sense of power.

I would give consequences, and I don’t care if the kid doesn’t like it. If you don’t get out of bed, you shouldn’t be doing anything else. You shouldn’t get to play video games. You shouldn’t spend four hours in front of the TV. If you’re too sick to go to school, you shouldn’t be going out of the house. Those limits should be set and followed through.

I would always tell parents in my office that you have to have the courage to let him experience the natural consequences of his behavior. It takes a lot of courage to step back and say, “Okay, you’re not going to do your homework, and you’re going to get the grades that reflect that.” But in these cases, it can help to let the child experience the natural consequences of resistance. You don’t let the kid watch TV. You say, “Homework time is from six to eight. And if you don’t want do your homework in that time, that’s fine. But you can’t go on the computer, you can’t play games and you can’t watch TV. If you choose in that time period not to do your homework, that’ll be your choice. And if you fail, that’ll be your choice.”

Along with the plan to let him experience the natural consequences of his decision, build in rewards for success, if he does make the right decision. If my son failed a test, there was no punishment. But if he passed, there was a reward. It was very simple. We rewarded A’s and B’s. We didn’t take anything away for C; we just didn’t reward it. So my son strived to have A’s all the time. So with kids who resist, it’s important to have a rewards system as well as a consequence system.

Remember, natural consequences are an important part of life. That’s why we have speeding tickets. A speeding ticket is a natural consequence. If you go too fast, the policeman stops you and gives you a ticket. He doesn’t follow you home to make sure you don’t speed anymore. He lets you go. It’s your job to stop and take responsibility. If you don’t, you’re going to get another ticket fifteen minutes later. Natural consequences help people take responsibility, and they can be used to help kids take responsibility for things like going to school, participating in class and doing homework.

So when you’re interacting with a kid who appears unmotivated, remember that screaming, bargaining and doing things for him will not work. When you’re looking at this child, you have to remember, he is motivated. He’s just motivated to do something different than what you want him to do. He’s motivated to resist you. So the more power you put into it, the stronger his resistance gets. We don’t argue with kids because when we argue with them, we give them power. Focus on making that behavior powerless and give the consequences that you can give so that there’s accountability.

For three decades, behavioral therapist James Lehman, MSW, has worked with troubled teens and children with behavior problems. He has developed a practical, real-life approach to managing children and adolescents that teaches them how to solve social problems without hiding behind a facade of defiant, disrespectful, or obnoxious behavior. He has taught his approach to parents, teachers, state agencies and treatment centers in private practice and now through The Total Transformation® Program.

The Total Transformation Program® is a comprehensive step-by-step, multi-media, child behavior modification program for child behavior problems like oppositional defiant disorder and children anger issues.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=James_Lehman

Do You Parent with Your Wallet?

heart of money

Photo by Flikr
Photo by Flickr

What kid doesn’t love it when Mom or Dad spends money on them? When you can afford it, buying things for your children is fun. But there’s a point where we buy things for our kids for the wrong reasons: to win their allegiance or simply to get them to stop screaming. Where is the line between generosity and parenting with your wallet, and what’s the danger of crossing that line? What’s the best approach to take when your ex-spouse spends on the kids instead of parenting them?

One of the ineffective roles parents fall into is what I call “Deep Pockets.” In the deep pockets style of parenting, parents buy things that their children demand in order to promote appropriate functioning in their children. There’s a difference between buying things to reward your child’s appropriate functioning and buying things in an attempt to get your child to function appropriately. When you buy your daughter a new hoodie because you asked her to do the dishes this week and she did it, that’s a reward. When you buy your daughter a new hoodie because she’s talking ugly to you and her siblings and you want her to stop or you’re afraid of her outburst if you say no, that’s deep pockets parenting.

How much is too much? When your child feels “entitled.”

When you spend money on your child based on his performance, what you’re teaching is “I love you, I want to share with you, and you’re worthwhile.” The child learns that appropriate functioning earns him good things. But when you buy things for your child to avoid his wrath or as a bribe for appropriate functioning, the child learns, “I don’t have to earn anything. It’s easy to get things. I’m more powerful than my parents are. There’s a reward for manipulating my parents, and I’m entitled to all the good things.” There’s nothing more destructive than kids getting a false sense of entitlement. It’s one of the big problems with kids and teenagers today, and it really affects their work ethic. When you talk to kids, they think they’re going to be rappers, athletes and superstars. But when you ask them what they’re doing to prepare for that now or how they’re going to get there, they have no idea.

A child is entitled to be treated lovingly and respectfully by his parents and have his needs met-food, shelter and the things the family can afford. He’s not entitled to a $150 pair of sneakers, especially when his little sister has to wear a $12 pair. Parents unknowingly promote this false sense of entitlement in pre-adolescence. Then in adolescence and the later teen years, when the kid is demanding things, they don’t know how to make it stop. I’ve worked with parents who can’t imagine taking the kid’s car away when the kid is verbally abusing them and doing bad things to his siblings. The parents have the idea that he’s entitled to the car, the kid has the same idea, and if they take away the car, who knows what’s going to happen? They live in fear of the kid’s sense of entitlement. They have backed themselves into a tough corner.

The Dos and Don’ts of Spending on Kids

There’s nothing wrong with giving kids things you can afford. They don’t get spoiled by that. They get spoiled by not having to meet their responsibilities. If a kid is meeting his responsibilities, if he’s respectful at home, and you’ve got some money, buy him the video game. If it fits in with your lifestyle, family and budget, don’t worry about over-rewarding appropriate performance. But it should be based on the child’s performance and it has to be consistent with your honest lifestyle. You have to live within your value structure when it comes to spending on your kids. For example, if your family has rules about no violence in the home, then don’t reward with violent video games.

Don’t get into debt to get your kids things they want. If you’re uncomfortable with the price, share that with the child. “We can’t afford it” is a fair thing to say. There’s no shame in this. It’s a way to teach your child that we all have to live within our means. My son used to ask us why my wife and I both had to work, because he had to go to an after school program for a couple of hours. We would be honest with him and say that we had to work to afford our lifestyle. If he wanted the things that he wanted, we both had to work. If we couldn’t afford something, we told him flat out, “We can’t afford it.”

Don’t use money or material goodies as a shortcut for doing the work of parenting. If you’re buying your kid things in order to get peace in the home, it’s not real peace. You can get out of this ineffective “deep pockets” role by having a discussion with your child. I’ll show you what that discussion looks like below.

If you have an ex-spouse who uses deep pockets…

Many divorced families have a dynamic where one parent (often the parent who does not have primary custody) overspends, out of guilt, to use bribery to get allegiance, or simply because they lack effective parenting skills. Separated or divorced parents should not “confront” one another because there’s too much unfinished business in these relationships to take on a confrontation. But they should discuss with the other parent how much is being spent and on what. If you’re the parent with less financial security, remember two things. 1.) It’s okay to explain to the child that you have less money than the other parent. It’s this simple: “I have less money than daddy because my money has to go further.” 2.) It’s not okay to say Daddy’s cheap or Daddy’s bad. Don’t get into that. If you do, then you force your child to defend his father. If the child doesn’t defend him verbally, he’s going to do it internally. So you don’t want to label daddy. You just want to say, “I don’t have the money.” Is it ok to say, “Daddy didn’t send the check?” Yes. Is it okay to make judgments around daddy because he didn’t send the check? No. Provide the information, not the characterization.

In a separation or divorce situation, when one parent asks the other to reduce their spending on the kids, the spending parent hears, “You’re trying to take my power away from me.” Power is a big issue in separated and divorced parenting. But if Daddy is buying the child too many toys, one thing a parent can do is make it clear that those toys stay at Daddy’s. There will be some anger about that from both the Daddy and the child. But you have to establish that it’s a rule in your home. Just like you have different rules about bedtime. You go to bed at 10 o’clock at Daddy’s. You go to bed a 9 o’clock here. You can play with those toys at Daddy’s. You can’t play with them here. If the child argues with you and asks why he can’t have the toys here that he has at Daddy’s, talk to him when he’s calm, and explain that they have to stay at Daddy’s because he bought them for you. Mommy and Daddy are not together anymore. It gets harder as the child gets older and the money gets spent in larger sums. But, no matter what, don’t make angry comments about your ex to your child.

If you have a spouse who uses deep pockets…

Again, don’t confront. In this case, you have to sit down with your spouse and get on the same page. Maybe one parent has to increase their level of rewards and their delivery system for it. Maybe the other parent needs to leave the wallet in his pocket or her purse and work on setting a limit with the child instead of buying appropriate behavior. Identify where the spending is going overboard and discuss it together, not in front of the kids. If you’re going into debt because one parent’s pockets are too deep, and the parent won’t look at this, it’s a marital communication problem, not a parent child problem. Don’t argue it out with the child or play out your issue with your spouse through your child.

If you are parenting with your wallet and you want to stop…

When things are going well, sit down with the child and have a little talk. Keep a nice smile on your face so the child doesn’t get defensive. Say, “I’ve decided to make a change. I think sometimes we go to the mall too much, and we’re spending too much money. So from now on, I’m going to do the work I need to do here at the house and I’m going to ask you to help me with some things. And when the work gets done, we’ll treat ourselves. And it won’t always be going to the mall or buying things. And we’re going to start this today. Do you have any questions?”

If the child starts fighting or yelling, then walk away and leave the room. Continue to talk to the child about this only when he’s calm.

Spending money on a child may feel like the quickest way to win compliance, allegiance or peace, but it’s a temporary solution that can cause the permanent problem of false entitlement. If you’re a deep pockets parent, you can change to a more effective role. Think before you spend. Will your child learn and gain more if you spend your time rather than your money with him? The answer is yes.

For three decades, behavioral therapist James Lehman, MSW, has worked with troubled teens and children with behavior problems. He has developed a practical, real-life approach to managing children and adolescents that teaches them how to solve social problems without hiding behind a facade of defiant, disrespectful, or obnoxious behavior. He has taught his approach to parents, teachers, state agencies and treatment centers in private practice and now through The Total Transformation® Program.

The Total Transformation Program® is a comprehensive step-by-step, multi-media, child behavior modification program for child behavior problems like oppositional defiant disorder.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=James_Lehman

Teen Behavior: What to do When Things Get Violent

Photo by Flickr
Photo by Flickr

What do you do with teen behavior like this? He has punched holes in the walls, is mouthy, violent, aggressive, makes his sister cry and steals her Mp3 player. When parents have to deal with oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) or just simply violent teen behavior, that they do not know where to turn.

Let us look at what is going on here. Latest studies show that our brains go on developing until we are about 25. That is one of the reasons why powerful mind altering drugs are not such a good idea. This means in practice that our brains which control our impulses, and even some of our emotions are still not fully developed when we are teenagers. Research also tells us that the parts of the brain which is called the limbic system is what controls our reaction to a fight, flight or freeze response. This is basically what controls our aggressive instincts.

So, how do you deal with this sort of teen behavior? Research shows that children from violent homes are much more likely to be violent adults. We also know that behavior modification techniques learned by parents on child behavior programs are the only way to break this cycle. When the children of parents who had been on these courses were compared to those parents who simply did nothing, there was a 60% difference in the reduction of violence and other problem behavior. This research was carried out at the Feinberg School of Medicine at the Northwestern University.

Violent kids and teens are a big problem in the Chicago area and I know that chief of the Chicago Public Schools has implemented a drastic change of policy. Instead of strict curfews and video cameras everywhere, the school authorities are now concentrating on conflict resolution and dealing with the kids’ emotional needs. Child psychologists believe that there are protective factors such as learning social and emotional skills which can help kids to pull back from the brink of violence. The Director of the Institute for Juvenile Research at the University of Illinois certainly is a great supporter of this approach.

Parents of oppositional defiance disorder (ODD) teens can help their abusive and violent children by following behavior modification techniques. They learn how to set the limits, help the teen to develop coping skills and also how he can treat people like fellow human beings. Parents learn how giving in and even bargaining can give power to their teen’s defiance and make the situation even worse. Find out how you can make the situation much better and get back in control again by clicking on the link below.

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